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 Post subject: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 5:55 am 
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I would like to get some feedback on a story I have been working on for my team's RPG we are building. I know it is still very rough. I am currently just laying it out and will go back through again and work on the flow. I am wondering if anyone finds this story interesting at all if done right, as well as anyways to improve the basic plot of the story. As I said, it is still very, very rough. I am just trying to see what the public thinks. Feel free to post any feedback, even negative, as long as it is constructive. Thanks :)

Draft wrote:
The satellite images are getting clearer by the day. In less than 3 months, the comet will collide with Earth. Astronomers around the world have been constantly running the numbers and suspect the comet will crash somewhere in North America. The impact of the comet is not the worst part, as it is not large enough to destroy the entire planet. The massive shockwave it will send through the Earth's layers, however, could cause severe damage.

A small group of scientists in North America have solved the problem the crisis has brought about though. Instead of trying to evacuate everyone, they have developed a machine that can reconstruct human bodies from DNA samples. They plan to catalog everyone's DNA, let them risk it during the comet strike, then reconstruct anyone who does not survive. This will be no easy task though. The population of North America is extremely high and nearly the whole continent is heavily populated. This means that not many will survive, leaving the number needing to be reconstructed very huge. Because they have such little time, the citizens feel this it the only option and relectantly agree.

Several months later as the comet collides, millions of people manage to survive. Hundreds and hundreds of millions of others are not nearly as fortunate. The task of rebuilding of the race is now in the hands of the scientists. After cranking out around 900,000 reconstructed people something terrible happens. The ground begins to shake and everything on the shelves of the labratory falls to the floor. Soon the world settles down and the scientists realize it was just another of the aftershocks. This is the first time, however, that they had been using the machine when an aftershock occured.

As they inspect it for damage, they notice a small crack in one of the circuits, but the machine tests fine after they restart it because the automatic safety shutoff was triggered by the quake. Once it begins working they think it is fully operational except that it now seems to operate much faster. They decide this is probably not a bad thing since they need to get the task of reconstructing hundreds of millions of people done as soon as possible. They continue pushing forward and a few thousand more people are reconstructed before the day's shift is done. Hard work has left them bitter and tired. Feeling the need to press on as soon as possible, they decide to all take a quick nap to refresh themselves before being work on another set of people.

While they rest, another aftershock occurs and they awake quickly and instantly run out to the lab in search of any damaged materials. What they find is much, much worse...


Also a first draft of our game design document can be found here if it helps provide any context for the story.

Thanks again!


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 Post subject: Re: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 9:48 am 
Dexterous Droid
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Sounds cool. I had a chuckle at the scientists all taking a nap while a dodgy machine was working away replicating humans. That's a good thing though, you could keep a humorous slant on the story and I think it would come across really well.

Something to work on would be cooking up some central characters, so that you don't just say "the scientists". A small group of scientists in North America, led by Pierre Labuschagne ...

I think gameplay should start at this point "The task of rebuilding of the race is now in the hands of the scientists." So the player is a rad scientist a la Half Life. Let the main crisis event occur as part of the gameplay, so that the player feels involved in what's happening, rather than just reading about it and then getting booted in to pick up the pieces of a broken world.

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 Post subject: Re: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:44 pm 
Funky Monkey

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who is behind this mission, funding it as cloning and probably educating and sheltering a lot of clones isn't the easiest thing to do? are the group of scientists working independently? why are they doing it, being scientists they should know the earth desperately needs a radical change :P

Sounds like an interesting idea though :D

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 Post subject: Re: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 8:09 pm 
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Thanks for all the feedback. :)

IGTHORN:
About them taking a nap, I kind of feel like I should work that in a little differently. What I was trying to do was make some sort of way for them to be away from the machine for a little while so that when the aftershock happened they would have to get back to it and extreme exhaustion seemed to work :P Like you said the gameplay would start at the end of this little story and the player, in my head this is what I was thinking anyway, would have to search through a lab not knowing exactly where to go, again the exhaustion causing problems. When you finally find the room with the machine you realize it has broken and started to malfunction causing it to build mindless human-like creatures that attack you and you must defend yourself to survive. I am not sure if this is too close to zombies, which I am kind of tired of myself, for most people to enjoy playing though.

weezl:
My thought had been that they had been scientists just working on this project and the approaching disaster just sped their efforts with funding from the government.

Thanks again for the thoughts and please let me know anymore. Especially about the stuff I just posted.


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 Post subject: Re: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 8:29 pm 
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PerryW wrote:
Thanks for all the feedback. :)

IGTHORN:
About them taking a nap, I kind of feel like I should work that in a little differently. What I was trying to do was make some sort of way for them to be away from the machine for a little while so that when the aftershock happened they would have to get back to it and extreme exhaustion seemed to work :P


Idea:

Someone trips an alarm of some sort (possibly a nefarious antagonist... or maybe some AI-gone-rogue), forcing an evacuation... normally the system would have shut down, but while everyone is gone and in a state of confusion, the entity that tripped the alarm puts the system back to work.

Something along those lines might give you a more believable scenario, as well as add a touch of intrigue.

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 Post subject: Re: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 10:35 pm 
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Thanks rotInMilc. That is a really good idea. I am going to spend some time reworking this story a little bit this evening. Hopefully I can post an updated version tonight or tomorrow.


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 Post subject: Re: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:36 am 
Funky Monkey

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what i don't get: this machine is supposed to reconstruct a human from its dna. why are there suddenly 'coming out' mindless zombies. they wouldn't be intelligent if built only from dna to begin with.
You could include a process of memory transplant, that was digitally backed up with the dna. so the problem you described would occure in this device, failing to implant the correct, or any at all memories, leaving the body to it's instincts. this would not leave you with mindless zombies but probably cunning, fast and aggressive individuals that can either flock together or build traps. this might add some gameplay value.

Other problems might occure during the cloning process and produce mutations of some sort if you want to go there.

i like the basic idea but you need to sort some things out. since this is very sciency you should do some research on the whole cloning thing and throw around words like synthesizing chromosomes, the obvious double helix and other terms to the subject to both have some credibility in the whole story and get some kind of education on the topic to your community.

i suggest starting to watch some talks by craig venter on TED or something :)

one final thing:
i was looking at that site you linked, and i am still kind of puzzled on what kind of game this will actually be. browser based rpg isnt actually descriptive of the gameplay concept.
how will this be played?

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 Post subject: Re: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 5:14 am 
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The part about saving some memory information is a great idea. I have been trying to come up with something that would make that part make sense and that does. Thanks :D If the memory part stopped working then that would make the humans made by the thing not necessarily zombies, just people who didn't know they were people. I am thinking about something similar to the things in I Am Legend.

The game is going to have 3 parts. Part 1 is where everything is happening on Earth. Based on how this story is, we will probably make it a shooter type game. Things will end up getting so bad on Earth that it leads to the need for colonization of other planets. Part 2 will center around the space ships taking people to the new planet. We have been calling them "arks" and this will probably involve some mini-games making the players have to control one of the arks through an asteroid field, etc.

That is when part 3 comes. This will be based completely on the new planet. As a player, you will have to build the entire world. This will be when multiplayer really gets to play a big part in the game. This will be the 'main' part of the game, the rest just basically setting this part up. Players will get to interact with each other in an open world, craft items freely, build shops and houses, collect resources and many other things.

Hope this makes sense. Let me know.


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 Post subject: Re: RPG Story (WIP)
PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:18 pm 
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So I did a little bit of work on it and was hoping to see what you guys think of the updated version. Please let me know if you think its better/worse than the first and anything else that might need to be changed.

Draft 2 wrote:
The satellite images are getting clearer by the day. In less than 3 months, the asteroid will collide with Earth. Astronomers around the world have been constantly running the numbers and suspect the comet will crash somewhere in the North Atlantic Ocean, potentially causing the loss of millions of lives in North America and throughtout Europe. The impact of the asteroid is not the worst part, as it is not large enough to destroy the entire planet. The massive shockwave it will send through the Earth's layers, however, could cause severe damage.

A small group of scientists, led by Xavier Cortez, in North America have solved the problem the crisis has brought about though. Instead of trying to evacuate everyone, they have developed a machine that can reconstruct human bodies from DNA samples as well as memories in order to completely recreate them. They plan to catalog everyone's DNA and memories, let them risk it during the comet strike, then reconstruct anyone who does not survive. This will be no easy task though. The projected location of the impact suggests many will not survive, leaving the number needing to be reconstructed very in the billions. Because they have such little time, the citizens feel this it the only option and relectantly agree.

Several months later as the asteriods collides, millions of people manage to survive. Hundreds and hundreds of millions of others are not nearly as fortunate. The task of rebuilding the race is now in the hands of Cortez and his scientists. After cranking out around 900,000 reconstructed people something terrible happens. The ground begins to shake and everything on the shelves of the labratory falls to the floor. Soon the world settles down and the scientists realize it was just another of the aftershocks. This is the first time, however, that they had been using the machine when an aftershock occured.

As they inspect it for damage, they notice a small crack in one of the circuits and the Memory Calibrator fell onto the floor, but the machine tests fine after they restart it because the automatic safety shutoff was triggered by the quake. Once it begins working it seems fully operational except it now seems to operate much faster. They decide this is probably not a bad thing since they need to get the task of reconstructing hundreds of millions of people done as soon as possible. They continue pushing forward and a few thousand more people are reconstructed before the day's shift is done. Hard work has left them bitter and tired. Their mood is made even worse when the alarm sounds and they must evacuate. Assuming it is just a test of the system because they felt no aftershock, they follow protocal and move into the designated area and wait out the 10 minutes required before they can once again continue working.

They take this time to rest and grab some coffee before returning to their work. Their break is sharply interupted by a loud crash in the lab. Everyone races to the lab only to find the machine's cracked circuits prevented it from shutting down during the alarm. They also find the Memory Calibrator lying in pieces on the floor. They quickly learn this is the least of their problems...


Thanks! :)


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